I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!