Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Most fashion shows these days…
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.