Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
File under excellent bookstore names.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
A game married people play.