Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I really had high hopes for this year though
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Not today.. 😂
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.