Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
⛄️
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Vodka burrito was a success