Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Isn’t
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*