Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”