STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
cat vs inanimate object
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.