His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Living the best life.. 😊
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.