I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
real
If snakes were wide
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
*wins $1000*
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Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers