my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.