Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
What
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
is this how new cars are made??
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”