Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.