Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
just left a huge legacy in there
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?