says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
You Might Also Like
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
BRO LMFAO
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.