me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Breaking news:
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou