If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.