The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
*lint rolls you awake*
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing