*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
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i did the math
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The old gods are rising again.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family