interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
As the Lord intended
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.