quarantine day 3
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A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
who did the taste test?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Do one person every day that scares you.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?