Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
huge if true: the moon
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress