When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
congratulations to them
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I missed you with all my darts
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.