[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.