“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Why is everyone getting married at me
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Saw your ex at the shops
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it