After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely