I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.