Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I’m giving up for Lent.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Plant care tips
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression