I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Go hard or stay average
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.