Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”