I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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