POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.