JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
finally found a reasonable question
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.