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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
liiiiiiiiike
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you