I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS