He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”