I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do