[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.