(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy