Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Straight people are cancelled
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs