Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window