A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Trumpy Cat
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes