[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
wish me luck lads
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
R.I.P.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Home #decor warning.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan