If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You Might Also Like
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?