Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”