Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*launders Kohls cash*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.