My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.