*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.