Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
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“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Same pineapple, same
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with