One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
You Might Also Like
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”